War of the Martians
Back before "Home Improvement" and "Frasier" went into syndication, the
Martian people fought over which they should watch on the Great Wide Screen.
Then one night, a "Home Improvement" fan from West Mars, tried to solve
the problem and ended up blowing the Great Wide Screen. There was an
outcry from the Fraiser-Loving North Martians. Hostilities escalated until
recently when the heating systems in Western Mars blew up. Though the
Northern Martians claimed responsibility for the act and therefore victory,
Venusian observers say that the Western Martians actually blew up their own
heat generators and the Northern Martians just claimed the responsibility
as part of their psychological attack tactics.
Venusians are no longer allowed on Mars...
Meanwhile, back on Earth, two Martian observers find each other on the Internet. Their conversation follows.
Tim Allen is GOD.
He must be from Northern Mars, then. I'm from West Mars.
Western Mars? ha! too cold up there.
Ever since WE won the war and blew up all your heat generators *evil laughter*
Even as we speak, our rebels are dusting your toilet paper with itching powder...
*dials commander to tell him not to wipe*
"Yo commander! What? what did you say? You left spam in their refrigerators and turned off the electricity? wow."
You are ready blew up our heaters, remember?
We don't need no stinkin' refridgerators now!
***Hey, Lou defrost some Cheeze Whiz, will ya! And someone call Earth. I think we can get the 2054 Winter Olympics here.***
not really. because we didn't shut off the heat in your eastern outpost...
The eastern guys have been holding out on us.....
Get yer PEZ dispensers! It's time we taught our enemies a lesson!
We've got the Plutonians on our side now. there's no hope for you westerners, now! (i've read the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy one too many times ya see...)
We laugh at you and the Plutonians!
We have made an alliance with the Vogons!
There no level to which we would not stoop to overthrow you!
i thought all the vogons got ate by the dentrassis they hired to cook for
them. ah well. my poetry's worse than theirs anyway, so we'll just have to
have a poetry reading.
Not that it's necessary, because we have a secret weapon...upon your return to Mars you will find that all of your children have turned against you to follow a purple dinosaur going by the name of Yenrab, that is really a top secret intelligence operative for the Federation...
Yo! Fred! Where did you put that offer from the Cardassians? We may need to take them up on it.
Meanwhile, break out the mega pepper sprayers. We're making North Martian Chili tonight....
Oh come on. They're a buncha wussies. Now Klingons, they can get down and dirty.
Well, the Borg gave us an offer to take care of you, but we didn't like the
small print. The same thing with the Dominion.
Now the Romulans did offer to relocate us, but they couldn't find a place red enough for us.
By the way, we just spiked your water supply with phenolphthalein. You're going to really need that toilet paper now......hehehehe....
the romulans? you mean the overgrown elves. what is it with their eyebrows anyway? they look like my mother's.
Heck! I always thought it had something to do with their barbers.
Heaven knows their hairstyles are scary enough.....
Maybe it's kinda like how they do with small dogs. They think they're cuter with pointy ears, so they just trim them...
I vote we combine our forces and eradicate all Romulan barbers!
(Martians never could carry a civil war very far....)
YEAH! if they were gonna trim anything it shoulda been their noses...
And thus started the Martian-Romulan Barber War....